2018 part 3: And then came the flood…

Posted on by jactucke

*This is part three of my 2018 series. If you haven’t read parts one and two, I have linked them for your enjoyment. Go read those, then come on back to this one…it’ll still be here for you.*

Man, it’s great to see you again! I’m glad you made it back for another round. This one might not be as rough as the first two in this series, but it was just another obstacle in the series of hurdles that was 2018.

So, you last left me at the end of our miscarriage/wife’s hemorrhage. I dropped the hint in there that we decided to sell our house in the middle of the slash up there. Well, as they were shoving the sign in front and we’re walking the eventual buyers in, we were rushing to the hospital.

But good news! Those folks bought our place and we got the long paperwork started on another place. Everyone was just like, “Praise the Lord! Y’all need some sort of good news in the middle of all this mess!” Yeah…we really did.

We had to rent the old house from the new buyers for a month while we closed on our new one. Not a big deal at all. The new house was worth the wait. It was nearly double the square footage of our last and we had the room that we needed to grow as a family.

Signing day came and we couldn’t be more excited. We did our thing at the title company and the place was ours. There were a few errands to run before we got to walk into our new place, so our excitement got put on hold.

Well, a hour at the mechanic turned into three. We were stranded in the Hub and couldn’t get to our new place. So, we sent a friend over to the new place to be our body in the house for the city to turn on the water. No biggie. Except, the next call was the biggie.

Our friend called us and she had bad news. She said there was water in our living room. Not just a little bit either. Standing water in the living room, entry hall, guest room, kids room, front bathroom, and the kitchen. It was just freaking everywhere. So much of it was just ruined. The vinyl plank and hardwood was wrecked. This was literally the afternoon of the first day in the new house. Talk about major face palm.

Somewhere in all the hustle and bustle of getting the house situated, a hot water heater had been shifted and a rubber hose cracked. Somehow, the water was turned on before the city did, it wasn’t turned off and the leaky hose went undetected because no one was there to hear it. Hence, the ensuing flood.

To make a long story short, it took roughly a month or so to get things situated in the new place. Between insurance talks, the flood remediation, the demolition of the old flooring, and the installation of the new…I just wanted to throw my hands up and give it all up. But God…

That guy…He just amazes me. He meets you exactly where you are and puts people in your path who are going to lift you up and support you throughout whatever mess the devil tries to throw on you. I thank Him everyday for those folks who came right up beside us to help share the load.

Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Those friends, those people who are put into your life are indispensable. God gives us those people to sharpen us (Proverbs 27:17), to strengthen us (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12), and to build each other up (1 Thess. 5:11).

Just when you think you’ve been backed into a corner and you have no fight left in you, He sends someone to help hold your arms up like Hur and Aaron did for Moses, Exodus 17:12-14. The Israelites were losing the battle when Moses dropped his arms, but when they were up, they were straight gettin it! So, Moses’ friends, Aaron and Hur, came along side him to hold his arms up with him.

That’s how important having folks beside you is. God made it so that we don’t have to go it alone. That’s why it’s important to get plugged into a church, to get you connected with like-minded people who will be right there doing “life” with you.

This installment was pretty light compared to the previous ones, but the weight of the three instances together was just rough. It was enough to make anyone wanna just crawl up in a hole.

However, as the late, great Billy Mayes said, “But wait, there’s more!” If you have been keeping up with the months, we’re only in June at this point. More heartache was on it’s way. And you’ll hear about it next week. Y’all stay safe out there folks.

2018-part 2 The Bottom Drops Out

Posted on by jactucke

*This is Part two of a possible four part series on “2018.” If you haven’t read the first one yet, here is the link. Go back, read it, then come back for this one.*

Well, well, well. You’re back! I promise this second one will be just about as gut wrenching as the first one. But the biggest takeaway is that God reached out to us through the darkness and comforted us. That’s the only way I can keep saying confidently that everything is and will be just fine. Now, on to the next week.

Just before dad passed, probably the month prior, we found out that we were going to have another kiddo! Oh happy day! It takes an act of Congress for us to get pregnant and we did it all on our own this time! It was so stinking amazing! In the middle of the stuff going on with the Wildman, we had a flicker of light and joy.

The day after dad’s funeral, we went for our first sonogram in Lubbock. We got into the office and sat in the waiting room with nervous excitement. We had joy in this rough time.

Our tech called us back. She squirted the goop stuff and got to work. We had shared some baby experiences with this tech before, actually with both of our prior pregnancies. The mood went from light to a little more subdued and finally somber. She asked where we were in our pregnancy. Jeg told her and she nodded her head.

Honestly, her voice turned into Charlie Brown’s teacher then for me. Jeg can explain this part better than me. I immediately knew something wasn’t right. We had to sit on this vague visit for a week before we got any kind of answers. It had to be one of the most agonizing weeks that either one of us had to date (mind you, my dad had literally died the week before.)

Our doctor told us that our baby stopped growing in the weeks before the sonogram. We had miscarried our new kiddo. That information flooded my mind and buried me under the surf. I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. And that was just me. It doesn’t even come close to what Jeg was feeling.

They told us that Jeg would pass the baby naturally. So we got to play the waiting game all over again. I dealt with it by not really dealing with it. I’d talk with my buddies Scott and Tanner and try to explain my feelings, but it was just tough. Yeah, Jeg and I talked about what was going on too, but we didn’t get very deep. How could we? We were walking on the edge of this knife waiting for the final slice.

We decided that some kind of change was needed. We had to snap this stupid funk that the devil was trying to put on us. So we did what anyone who was completely overwhelmed with life and put our house up for sale. 😳

The day our house was being shown to the eventual buyer, something happened. It was roughly a month-ish after the sonogram and Jeg started bleeding. Not, “Oh no…I’m bleeding” but “Holy crap, you’re bleeding…like a lot.” And guess where I was? Two and a half hours away on a pipe recovery job.

When I got that call, my mind flashed back to a month prior when dad died. It was just fear that washed over me instead of peace. I might have kept it cool on the outside, but I was 100 percent afraid that I was gonna lose my best friend.

I thank God every day for the folks I was working with that day. My engineer and company man caught wind of what was going on and they shut down the job and we took off to Levelland. Both of them had been exactly where I was right then and they knew how important it was for me to be there at Jeg’s side.

Another big blessing was that NanaMary, Jeg’s stepmom, was with her until I got there from Odessa. She got her to the ER in Lubbock and threw her weight around to get her admitted. (Not exactly sure how that went, but I just know Mary was all momma bear status and it was awesome.) The attending doctor (who was a former OB/GYN) examined Jeg and said that she was hemorrhaging and part of what was supposed to be passed was still attached and causing the massive bleeding. If she hadn’t gotten there when she did and gotten help, she would have bled out. That was all before I even got there.

When I arrived, all the major excitement was over. We were just left with the weird emotional hangover that I guess comes with narrowly avoiding death. We were discharged and we went home. Just like that, it was all over.

Well, it wasn’t over. It was all just the beginning of us picking up the pieces of our life all over again and handing them to God to do something with. Patch us back together, throw us back together, just do something. We needed something. Some kind of answer to all the pain that we were walking through.

We’re pretty private people. We spent many years in the spotlight and under a microscope through ministry work. This wasn’t a story that we wanted to tell people every other week and it sure wasn’t a story to be told through a game of telephone. The help and support might have been there, but it sure didn’t feel like it. We were treated like we had the plague from most folks. It was just a level of loneliness that we had never experienced before

People who have gone through losing a baby will understand what I’m saying here. Nobody really knows what they need to say or even what they can say. I can say confidently on my end of things, that I was lost and just flat out sad. I didn’t know what to say to my wife, who was absolutely wrecked. What do we do?

Well, we got up and went to church. We sought after God. We figured out what He said about our situation and tried our hardest to apply it.

Second Samuel 12:16-24 talks about David losing his son. Now, this is due to him jacking around with Bathsheba, but his kid gets sick and he goes into mourning and the child dies. After the boy’s death, in verses 23 and 24 he explains what he’s doing.

“But why should I fast when he is dead? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him one day, but he cannot return to me.” Then David comforted Bathsheba, his wife…”

We can’t turn back time and change what happened. All we can do is have our time of mourning and grief. Then, trust that God has got our kiddo there with Him and know that we will go to see them one day. That’s it.

Like I said in the last post, over time things heal and change, but nothing ever goes back to the way it was. Just like in the loss of my dad, this loss left a hole. A little, baby shaped hole. When you really think about it and focus on it, a whole life is supposed to be in that hole. But you have to realize that the only thing you can fill that hole with is the peace and comfort that only the Holy Ghost can bring you. In John 14:16 it says, “And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper (Comforter, Advocate, Intercessor—Counselor, Strengthener, Standby), to be with you forever—” That’s the skinny of it. The only way y’all make it through.

I realize that there is still a ton of unpacking to do in the situation, but that is the barebones of it. Trust that God is still going to have your back. Trust that He is faithful and He is able to do exceedingly and abundantly more than we can even ask or think. Trust that He is going to lead you and your family out of this valley and back to the mountaintop in His glory.

Phew! That was heavy. It’s so tough writing about this because you wind up revisiting and rehashing it all over again. But this is gonna bless someone. To know that someone went through it and made it out is going to encourage somebody out there.

Thanks for reading folks. Stay tuned for part three of “2018” because the hits just just kept coming that year. Y’all stay safe out there.

2018 – The End Was the Beginning

Posted on by jactucke

Man, it’s been a while! Life has been busy since the last time we talked. The oilfield has done it’s thing. The pandemic has done it’s thing. And politics have done their thing! Ha!

I wanted to talk to y’all today about a year that was a turning point for me and my family. It’s gonna be pretty heavy, but know this: God won. Because He always does. It got extremely dark for a while, but God was always there.

Let’s start in the beginning. A little bit prior to February of 2018, my dad, the Wildman, was diagnosed with two types of non-Hodgkins lymphoma: Large B Cell and Follicular. Now, one of these was curable and the other could be controlled and maintained. He had gotten to “ring the bell” and the everything went into remission the Summer of 2017, but the dragon came back with a vengeance in the Fall.

He was tired of fighting. He and my mom had to live in Houston close to MD Anderson so they didn’t wear themselves out driving the seven to eight-ish hour trip weekly. Time and poisonous radiation had taken their toll on the Wildman and when he was told that it was back, he tapped out. He was ready to be in his own home and finish the fight there.

The last time I saw my dad alive was a couple weeks before he passed. I was coming back from a job in Woodward, Oklahoma and was able to stop and spend a couple days with him and NanaRita. Wildman was a shell of his former self. My once jovial dad had been reduced to skin and bones. He couldn’t really move a whole lot without help. He had already begun to not eat as much and drinking was a chore as well.

My plan was to spend a day and then head back for work. But when I went to hug goodbye, he wouldn’t let me go. We cried together for a while. He was scared and so was I. I got to the end of the road and turned right back around. I just couldn’t leave.

We sat and watched his favorite cooking shows, just soaking up one another’s presence. I hurts my heart just thinking about it, but I still have the joy of that time, if that makes any sense. I left early that next morning to start off my work week again. I went not fully realizing but half-knowing that I wouldn’t get much more time with him.

A mere two weeks later, I get a call from my oldest brother, James. I was on day 14 of a stuck drilling rig that had just been a tough sucker. He tells me I’m gonna need to get some relief because Dad wasn’t going to last much longer. As the ladies on Crime Junkie say, I had full body chills all the way back to Levelland. James calls and says I can hold off until the next day to come. So I get to spend a few hours with Jeg and the girls before I head their way the next day, Valentines Day.

You know, you always folks talking about those “never forget” moments. The moments where you know exactly what you were doing when a certain event happened. Valentines Day 2018 was one of those moments for me. I had gotten on the road early to make the two and a half hour drive the next morning. I got to Lorenzo, about 40 minutes into my drive, and I got the call. I had stopped in to grab a quick bite at the local Allsups. When I hung up the phone, my stomach was rolling around my feet like a quarter. The Wildman was gone.

The ensuing days were a blur. Comforting my mom, my brothers, and my family was my primary function of course. It’s just hard to describe the feeling of that kind of loss. Those who have been through it completely understand and those who haven’t have been spared.

So many people told me how awesome my dad was. I heard, “They don’t make anyone like that anymore.” “Your dad was definitely one of a kind.” “He was the best man that I ever knew.” “Nobody ever had anything bad to say about your dad.” It was just surreal hearing folks refer to him in the the past tense.

You find out who really cares about you when you’re in these dark places. We had numerous friends make the trip to love on us. (Thank you for that by the way.) Phone calls and food were in abundance. It was just amazing. Then, on the following Sunday, we laid him to rest and the challenge of grieving began.

I’ll use a whole other blog to write about the grieving process because it’s just too complicated to include here. It just came wave upon wave. I’m thankful for my wife, who just loved on me and my mom the best way she knew how. And my sweet kiddos. Goodness, those girls are incredible.

I was back to reality by Tuesday and it just sucked. I had a peace that he was in Heaven with Jesus but it didn’t help that he wasn’t here. That being said, you never really get over that loss. You just lean into that peace and comfort that the Holy Ghost gives you. (More on this later.)

A verse that I really took in during this time was Psalm 34:18 – The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The cool thing about God, is that He hangs out right there with you. Right there in your hurt. You may be a slobbering mess, but the HG…He’s got you.

Time heals all wounds, they say. Who is they? I’m not exactly sure, but that next week…the wound from my dad’s death was about to ripped open and exposed all over again in the form of another set of tragedies.

But that’s gonna be next week in part two of “2018.” Feel free to leave a comment of encouragement or even a snippet of your own story. Y’all stay safe out there.

The weight of the world

Posted on by jactucke

There’s this feeling that I get sometimes. It feels like pressure. A weight bearing down right on the back of my neck and it trails off into my shoulders. It’s a stinging and burning that comes from bearing a heavy load. You know what I’m talking about?

It’s like your whole world is just resting right on top of you and if you make one false move, everything will just topple. Kind of like King Louie holding the Monkey Palace up on the old Jungle Book cartoon. This one:


There are lots of things that can do this to us, but stress is the common denominator. It brings worry and all sorts of mess that can really jack you up. I know this all to well…because I’m a fixer.

I see a problem and I try to fix it. It becomes my responsibility to remedy the situation, in my mind of course. By having this mindset, I add a whole bunch of unnecessary weight to my shoulders; therefore, adding unnecessary stress.

Roughly a month ago, I developed an oh-so awesome case of the shingles, which is brought on by stress and lack of rest. Numerous things were happening that caused this: a new baby, a rough doctor’s diagnosis for the Wildman, other family shenanigans, and the list just keeps on going. 

The shingles eventually went away with meds and reduced stress, but in the back of my mind…it lingered. I thought I let go of things, but I really didn’t. But today, when I accidentally hit play on my iTunes, things made sense. 

This song came up. It’s a worship song by Hope Church . The words hit hard and it made me look at the whole chapter of Psalms 55. Look it up here and let’s go through it. 

Basically, David is having a rough go of it. It seems like nothing can go right. He says things like, “My enemies shout at me (v.3)” and “Fear and trembling overwhelm me and I can’t stop shaking (v.5)”. He’s facing some major hate from all sides. 

Following a few more verses of despair and stress, verses 16-22 tell a new story. It turns from despair, to hope and trust. 

“I call to God; GOD will help me. At dusk, dawn, and noon I sigh deep sighs—he hears, he rescues. My life is well and whole, secure in the middle of danger Even while thousands are lined up against me. God hears it all, and from his judge’s bench puts them in their place.”

David trusts that God is gonna have his back. He knows that if he just calls into Him, things are gonna be okay. 

Like in verse 22, it says, “Pile your troubles on GOD ’s shoulders— he’ll carry your load, he’ll help you out. He’ll never let good people topple into ruin.”

How many times have we decided to take it all on our shoulders? Tried to carry the load ourselves? Everyone has! Has it ever worked? Probably not. 

I know it’s easy to just say, “give it to God,” and sometimes we get caught up in it. But that is the honest truth. God is right there, waiting for you to reach out for help. He wants to just take all of that worry and stress right off of you. We just have to call out to Him. 

In 2 Thessalonians 3:3 it says, “But the Lord is faithful. He will establish you and guard you against the evil one.” With that, and numerous other verses on how God is faithful to His word, why wouldn’t He come and shoulder our burdens?

It is my prayer for you that you take this, read it, and apply it to your life. Thanks for reading. You like it, share it to help encourage others! 

Y’all be safe out there. 

Unmasked

Posted on by jactucke


Whilst searching the interwebs the other day, I realized something: It must be tough getting up every morning and putting a mask on. 

What I mean is that people get up every single day and just put on a face so that they can skate through the day. They say all the right things on social media, “look the part” in public settings and they doll the family up just right to mask their true self. However, what lies beneath is truly terrifying. They hide lies, deceit, infidelity, insecurity, and just all out nastiness. 

Your reply to this is, “So what? We all have flaws and things that we don’t want people to see.” That’s not what this post is about. This post is about realizing that the façade is more damning than the truth. 

A façade is only another lie that just masks the other junk underneath. What generally happens is the lie that you have told to cover up the initial junk is exposed and then another is built. Then another. Then another. Then another. Until finally you have become this shell of what you formerly were. You can’t deal with the person in the mirror because the façade has become greater than what you believe lies beneath. 

But, as always, there’s hope! There’s a way to remove that façade brick by brick, exposing all that is underneath for cleansing. The only way is to fall at the feet of the Creator and be honest with Him and yourself. 

“If we claim that we’re free of sin, we’re only fooling ourselves. A claim like that is errant nonsense. On the other hand, if we admit our sins—make a clean breast of them—he won’t let us down; he’ll be true to himself. He’ll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing.”

‭‭1 John‬ ‭1:8-9 MSG‬‬

Who are you fooling? It’s certainly not God. “But it’s hard to do that. What will people think?” Do their opinions matter? Last I checked, I report to one person and He’s not clicking ‘like’ on my profile. He’s wondering why I haven’t come and crawled into Abba’s lap to talk about my troubles. 

The Word says in Psalm 55:22 to “Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.”

Instead of the front, how bout you use all of that energy talking to Abba God? It will be one of the most freeing feelings in the world. I guarantee it. 

Y’all be safe out there.